does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
