5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
You left your phone here
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