Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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