I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
