My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
