i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
In other news, I just burned my penis
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
