Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
false alarm, still single
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