Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
