Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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