nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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