Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
