I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize