pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
