It's just like the Real World with babies
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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