your room smells of hookers.
And success
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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