he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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