Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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