i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
