look no pants
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Randomize
