My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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