Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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