why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize