you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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