My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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