found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
