He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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