Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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