piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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