why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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