I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
