I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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