oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize