It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
