Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
