some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
