Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
