I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
