youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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