he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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