I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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