Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
