I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
