If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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