If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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