As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
