apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
