i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The power of my boobs compel you
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
