while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
