she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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