if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
