can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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