Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Congratulations! We have a period
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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