I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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