Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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