This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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