So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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