one word: firstdatebathroomanal
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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