I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize