dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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