God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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