Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
