after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
