If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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